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I entered Miss Texas USA for the same reason high school guys ask girls out to the prom: to put another notch in my belt.

I want to say I have done everything humanly possible we consider accomplishments, whatever that means in today's society, and having seen that a girl in Illinois earned speaking engagements before she ever even won Miss Illinois (and later Miss America), it seemed like a good idea at the time. I learned valuable information from eavesdropping in conversations among the over 100 contestants, things like the secret to losing weight in a weekend flush is Mexican laxatives you must buy online or across the border. I also learned how restrooms smell after a load of girls vomit after catering or that if anyone sees you taking allergy medicine in public (me and my Benadryl) or ordering a fruity beverage at the bar as opposed to water (me and my pineapple juice fetish), you will be accused the rest of the week of having a severe drug addiction and possibly be on your way to the Promises facility in California. If it weren't illegal to gun down fellow contestants in the alley, these women would do it. For unknown Miss Texas contestants to act disrespectful toward maids, waiters, and anyone "below" them behind chaperones' backs is not.

Some were dance instructors, graduating college and NFL/basketball cheerleaders.

That's why they were just left out of the "cool" cliques that have been involved in pageants since they were babies, girls who entered a pageant maybe this being their second time tops, who wow! You're in this to bitch slap girls to the death until you earn that crown!

I remember an Asian girl from Houston asking me once when I was speaking Spanish with some restaurant staff, "Why are you like, speaking Spanish? " Actually, I'm part Hispanic, learned Spanish at school, and yes, I am really white looking thanks to that Irish/Eastern European side.

But yeah, genetics never crossed her mind, or the fact that a lot of white people in Texas speak Spanish anyway.

If that's the case, there isn't a point to winning the pageant when people won't remember anyway, right?

It's like holding up a trophy to the frat dudes that you bagged a pageant bimbo hottie.



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